][ the departure of a beautiful soul ][

Random chinese characters entering my ear, from the left and right... trying to interpret them into english, trying to make some sense of them... but my brain can't seem to process them at all... maybe because i'm such a banana and with my limited chinese characters, more like totally none existence, they almost sounds like foreign language... but being the good grandson, and also being respectful to the entire family, i push myself not to fall asleep or get distracted... i continued to follow wat the monk and his entire posse is chanting... but most of the time, i'll lost in the sea of words and need to nudge my brother to show me where we are...

A few days ago, exactly on Sunday, we arrived at the location where the ceremony were held... arriving there i was predicting that a sob fest are about to happen... to my non-surprise expression, it did... looking at the medium size wooden box with huge yellowish gold deco and banner, a disbelief and surreal feeling overwhelm me... the cloud of mourning is so thick, you can karate-chop it and still it will not break in two... walking past the banner and towards the wooden box, looking down inside a transparent glass, staring into the familiar face with the familiar features, yet an unfamiliar expression and moment spreads through me... every second pass looking into her face, i keep having this feeling that she will just open her eyes and starts to bang the box open so that she can come out... yet she didn't do it... all she did was lying there, sleeping with a peaceful face of hers... such an unfamiliar sight...

all my other aunts who arrive earlier that day was already there and talking to my parents, with eyes-filled-tears explaining what had happen and whats going on...

because of the thick cloud of sadness in the midst of that place, i had to just get out and get some air... no tears and mourning... it was because i'm still in unbelieving land... wasn't it just last week i talked to her on the phone asking her to wait for my birthday so that we can celebrate together? so walking around i bump into my cousins and all, we have small talked and i started to fold the "gold currency" paper that was believe to be money for her to spend... as i was folding into a pile... i saw my uncle walking towards the lot with his family... even from afar i can tell that heart-broken-ness is spread across his face... but it wasn't until he reach the box and started to kneel down and begin his saddening sobbing that i realise that it was his heart was broken, it was the crushing sounds of his heart and most of the pieces of his heart was gone... a huge void...

still no tears... then everyone begin to settle down... and my dad, being who he is, started to joke around and causing the whole cloud of sadness to be slightly dissaociate and a gush of laughter fills the space... i tell you, my dad is the worst person to attend a funeral... like seriously... anyway, we all begin to settle down a bit, adjusting to the new environment... all the cousins catch up with the latest updates on each other's lives, almost like during chinese new year, except without the festive spirits... by the time we arrive and all of us settling down, night has already fall... darkness surrounds the area and the lights were turn on, trying to lighten up the mood yet it knows that its efforts does little contribution... everyone begins to discuss how to spend the night, some offers to stay for the night shift, which included my family and myself and some of my cousins and of course my uncle...

so i was told what to do and what to look for and all the other stuff... then, the resposibility started... everything was a bit dull for a few hours, the most exciting activity was folding the "gold" paper... time seems to be running away quickly... before i knew it, dawn was arriving and the first sun rays was seen... a sigh of relieve escape my mouth for i fast myself from sleep as everyone went to sleep... i guess tiredness was too much to bare for them... i don't blame them, thx to my unhealthy gift of staying up late and loads of pracs, it unables me to stayed up...

when i saw the sight of my aunt and other cousins, i was eager to leave to get some shut eye... seems that my family totally agrees with me... in the car on the way back to the usual place where all of us always go to when we arrive in Johor, i stole some nap in the car which felt like the greatest gifts in the world to me after almost 8 hours of not letting my brain rest...upon reaching the familiar house, my mum was opening the gates and doors, and a sudden disturbed thought came to my mind, something is not right here... where is she?! although i've already know the answer even before i've asked... the question is still roaming in my exhausting brain...

the familiar scent enter my nostril, and a rush of sadness speards across my heart... the whole house is filled... but it is filled with emptiness... still, no tears although realisation begins to steps in... her room door was close, usual, it meant it's occupied, but today, its empty... but i was too tired to process all the details, i head straight for the couch and begins to rest my head and before i knew it, i was back in the sleep club...

][ to be continued ][