][ the conclusion of an end but the start of a new beginning ][

I woke up with a little buzz in my head... took me some time to find my bearing, then my whole... entire... body aches, then i remember, last night, i mean this morning, i kinda stayed up till like 7.00 am, and then decided to take a nap before the ceremony, but it seems that there is no welcoming spot to rest my seriously sleep deprieved head... and finally, i decided to sleep at the slab of stones which was suppose to be like a divider but everyone there treat it as a sleeping bed.. oh well...

anyway, i woken up like a few hours later and can hear a lot of buzzing sounds... i woke up and saw that many people have arrive and was sitting at the tables provided and talking among themselves... i sat up and look around and notice that my couz, sue lynn... is sleeping like next to me... lol... she had a pillow over her head... like hiding her sleeping face from the world... lol... i understand... like who would want their sleepy face be reveal... its suppose to be a private and totally confidential thing, only to be reveal to ur one and only, true love... cheh wah...

anyway, me mum asked me whether i wanna consume any food to filled my stomach, i reply no, cause i'm not really in the mood to eat... so i woke up and freshen up and came out and then sat down and waited... and waited... and waited...

then it was time...

the time has come for the final bow

the time has come for the final respect

the time has come to move on

we were all required by the guy in charge to be kneeling down beside the wooden box... then one by one were called according to their position in the family and give their respect.. .then it was the grandchildrens... i was the one who represents the son's side... so they asked me to hold the offerings and offered them... it was a bit akward as i'm not sure wat to do... but the guy was directing me ... so i don't look like a lost chicken running around without a head... so after me was a whole bunch or other people... then towards the end, was friends and distant relatives... then the final hour has come... it was time to burn...

the guy asked all of us to clear of the floor and go out of the lot and asked us not to look... as if we are all robots, all of us just follow the directions... then without realizing it, the box was already in the modified vehicle... and then the guy said, the sons of the decease have to lay their hands on the vehicle as it moved towards the final site...

and so the last journey begins... i can already sense tears coming down on everyone else faces... and right in front of me was my mum, she was crying too... so i hold her and lay my hands on her instead... although it was a short journey, it felt like a long one...

thoughts after thoughts begin to race pass my head...

picture of her sitting by her favourite chair in the entire room, reading her newspaper...

image of her sitting with us during dinner, laughing at jokes...

image of her relaxing at the massage chair, watching her fav soap opera and most recently i found out, she loves sponge bob... lolness

but the last thought before we reach the site was her telling me to take care of my family and be a good boy and grow up and be a good citizen of the world... that was the thought that hits the mark..

i begins to sob silently as these thoughts rest in my head... i would not be able see her again

or

listen to her gossips

or

smell that cigarrate fragrance she blows out

or

the tasty curry and sweet and sour soup she loves to make

or

greet her chinese new year from now on...

as we approach the burning funnels, we were required to kneel down again and the monk begins his chanting... i guess you don't have to be a chinese nor chinese educated nor speak chinese to know what it means... i guess it myself... it was a prayer to send her off... a prayer of smooth journey to the other side...

as the chanting continues, everyone was dreading the final sentence... as the helper motion us to face down and not look, the wailing begins to be heard... the box pushed into the fiery funnel, the final tangible part of her is evaporising and and every second the box is in there, the wailing continues... only after sometime where everyone gather themselves together... washing our hands with the flower-soak water...

Rest in peace, my dear mama...

Tan Mun Hoon
(1929 - 2008)

][ the arrival of love ones and continuation of mourning ][

Waking up around noon time, with a hunger growing inside of me... it took me a few moments to get my bearings right and my thoughts together again... after finding my center... i begin to wash up and waiting patiently for lunch... we went for lunch at this famous "pan mee" place nearby and fill our stomach with the delicious noodle... right after that, we went back to clean up and pack and getting ready to take over the shift at the funeral home...

Upon arriving there, quite a crowd has gather at our lot and i don't recognizes any one of them ,so concluded that they must be the friends of either hers and my relatives... so resuming the usual tasks and begin to talk and laugh and guiltily having fun... then one by one, the visitors gave their condolesences and of course, my aunts and uncles are crying because its an emotional thing to do, explaining over and over again the terrifying details...

still, the day passed relatively peaceful and not much emotion pour out happen... then night falls again and instead of the boring night like yesterday which i'm totally loving it and have no problems wat so ever, i notice that something will be taking place at our lot... later i remembered that during my grandad's funeral, a chanting ceremony was held... so a chanting ceremony is going to be held i presume... it is... all the relatives were require to take part in the ceremony as a sign of respect and also to aid the transition of the decease to the other side...

*****************************************

In the middle of the chanting ceremony, everyone started to tear up, still no tears... then, a sudden outburst from my left... and i noticed a new arrival, she hugged vincent koko aka my cousin and begin to sob silently... then she moved to her mother and both of them embrace each other, comforting each other of their uncontrolable sobbing... the sight of their emotional reunion choke me a bit but i guess it kinda caused everyone else to cry too... so the chanting continues...

we were dismissed for a few moments of rest before continue with the second part of the chanting ceremony... i was relieved... then a vibration can be felt in my pants and without any hesitation, i took my hp out and read the sms... its from vince... he was like asking i'm ok and like other stuff... i reply normally, but it wasn't until when i said that she's really gone that i finally hit me that the person whom always running around during chinese new year to prepare food is gone, the one whom always laugh at dad's joke uncontrobably... the one whom have some many stories stored in her brain it can turn into a best-seller book just like that... sitting on of the chair all the memories and thoughts came into my mind and i can feel something is coming out of me...

i quickly ran to the back before anything major happens... and before i knew it, droplets were collecting in my eyes, and trying to escape down my face, it finally hit home base...

she is gone ...

emotions that was collected over the pass few days were just releasing themselve at the new found freedom and i'm official part of the sobbing club... the memories of me sitting down in the living room, listening to her stories about so many people, i know shouldnt' say this but i guess she love to like gossip and bitch around about my aunts and uncles... like seriously... now i know there i got the bitchieness gene from... haha...lolness...

everything starts to pour out and all i can do is to just let it all out for that moment... and i thank God that there is a back room behind the lot, as to shield me from the crowd... as i wipe away the tears of my eyes, i regain my composure, saying to myself that its alright... and to accept the hurtful truth that she is not here anymore... then i went back out to the tables, sat down for a few moments and the sound of bells being hit was heard, to signal the continuation of the ceremony... this time around, most of us are quite ok and not emotional as everything was let out during the first part of the ceremony, right now, we are all just waiting for the ceremony to end as our butt muscles are screaming of numbness and lack of blood cause by the monotenaous sitting position for a long LONG time...

Finally, the ceremony ended, but there will be another ceremony, same chanting stuff but i guess must meant something else... oh well... i asked around to see whats the plan for the rest of the night... apparently nothing else, all we are to do is to just stay up and take care of the box and stuff around it... i resume to the folding task as that's the only thing we can do... but i did brought back the lap top and the wireless boradband maxis modem... so i won't be totally cut out from the technological world... lolness...

so far, not the whole family has gather at the funeral home... some one else was missing... the oldest daughter... and speaking of her... she was suppose to come around that time around... and so she did arrive and boy oh boy, she did not hide her emotions at all... although in the beginning she greet us with a smile on her face but with teary eyes, it was an obvious give away... she hugged and and say hi to everyone... once she did, she head straight to the box and before you know it, loud wailing comes out of her mouth... some words escape her mouth in between the wailing... it was such a saddening moment that is... everyone who was there begin to sob silently as we view all this mourniness... again everyone starts to settle down and again, the whole story was explain again and everyone begins their version of how they come to know about the news...

so as usual, everyone settle down and begin to resume to their usual task... as always, we cousins sit at one corner and begin our bonding processes... doing our stuff... time passes rather quickly, and before we know it, dawn was approaching and all of us pass the torch of responsibility...

][ to be continued ][

][ the departure of a beautiful soul ][

Random chinese characters entering my ear, from the left and right... trying to interpret them into english, trying to make some sense of them... but my brain can't seem to process them at all... maybe because i'm such a banana and with my limited chinese characters, more like totally none existence, they almost sounds like foreign language... but being the good grandson, and also being respectful to the entire family, i push myself not to fall asleep or get distracted... i continued to follow wat the monk and his entire posse is chanting... but most of the time, i'll lost in the sea of words and need to nudge my brother to show me where we are...

A few days ago, exactly on Sunday, we arrived at the location where the ceremony were held... arriving there i was predicting that a sob fest are about to happen... to my non-surprise expression, it did... looking at the medium size wooden box with huge yellowish gold deco and banner, a disbelief and surreal feeling overwhelm me... the cloud of mourning is so thick, you can karate-chop it and still it will not break in two... walking past the banner and towards the wooden box, looking down inside a transparent glass, staring into the familiar face with the familiar features, yet an unfamiliar expression and moment spreads through me... every second pass looking into her face, i keep having this feeling that she will just open her eyes and starts to bang the box open so that she can come out... yet she didn't do it... all she did was lying there, sleeping with a peaceful face of hers... such an unfamiliar sight...

all my other aunts who arrive earlier that day was already there and talking to my parents, with eyes-filled-tears explaining what had happen and whats going on...

because of the thick cloud of sadness in the midst of that place, i had to just get out and get some air... no tears and mourning... it was because i'm still in unbelieving land... wasn't it just last week i talked to her on the phone asking her to wait for my birthday so that we can celebrate together? so walking around i bump into my cousins and all, we have small talked and i started to fold the "gold currency" paper that was believe to be money for her to spend... as i was folding into a pile... i saw my uncle walking towards the lot with his family... even from afar i can tell that heart-broken-ness is spread across his face... but it wasn't until he reach the box and started to kneel down and begin his saddening sobbing that i realise that it was his heart was broken, it was the crushing sounds of his heart and most of the pieces of his heart was gone... a huge void...

still no tears... then everyone begin to settle down... and my dad, being who he is, started to joke around and causing the whole cloud of sadness to be slightly dissaociate and a gush of laughter fills the space... i tell you, my dad is the worst person to attend a funeral... like seriously... anyway, we all begin to settle down a bit, adjusting to the new environment... all the cousins catch up with the latest updates on each other's lives, almost like during chinese new year, except without the festive spirits... by the time we arrive and all of us settling down, night has already fall... darkness surrounds the area and the lights were turn on, trying to lighten up the mood yet it knows that its efforts does little contribution... everyone begins to discuss how to spend the night, some offers to stay for the night shift, which included my family and myself and some of my cousins and of course my uncle...

so i was told what to do and what to look for and all the other stuff... then, the resposibility started... everything was a bit dull for a few hours, the most exciting activity was folding the "gold" paper... time seems to be running away quickly... before i knew it, dawn was arriving and the first sun rays was seen... a sigh of relieve escape my mouth for i fast myself from sleep as everyone went to sleep... i guess tiredness was too much to bare for them... i don't blame them, thx to my unhealthy gift of staying up late and loads of pracs, it unables me to stayed up...

when i saw the sight of my aunt and other cousins, i was eager to leave to get some shut eye... seems that my family totally agrees with me... in the car on the way back to the usual place where all of us always go to when we arrive in Johor, i stole some nap in the car which felt like the greatest gifts in the world to me after almost 8 hours of not letting my brain rest...upon reaching the familiar house, my mum was opening the gates and doors, and a sudden disturbed thought came to my mind, something is not right here... where is she?! although i've already know the answer even before i've asked... the question is still roaming in my exhausting brain...

the familiar scent enter my nostril, and a rush of sadness speards across my heart... the whole house is filled... but it is filled with emptiness... still, no tears although realisation begins to steps in... her room door was close, usual, it meant it's occupied, but today, its empty... but i was too tired to process all the details, i head straight for the couch and begins to rest my head and before i knew it, i was back in the sleep club...

][ to be continued ][

Singleton...

One month ago, i wish and pray that i will be able to be in a relationship, little that i know that i'm not as ready as i thought i would be... i'm so far from not ready...
We rush into things so quickly faster than you can say
"Supercalifragilisticespialidolces"
Yup, that was the mistake that we made which i thought i would never make and yet it did...
It was my fault...
Oh well, now i'm all back in the town of singletons again
and this time i think i'm gonna be here for a long time before i moved out of this town...
This time i will be more ready and not rush into things anymore...
and who knows maybe we will bump into each other again in the future...
No one knows...
But for now, i'm just gonna enjoy the feeling of single-ness
and being alive and well...

heart-ache prevention...

OK... i know its a bit weird for me to post an emo post here in my blog since its my personal principle NOT to be emo and stuff cause i'm a grown up boy and i don't have to be emo and stuff but i just have to be emo for this...

As some and not ALL of you guys know, i meet someone last month and we have been going out for like a month... duh?! and to make this a bit easier to understand... have a "monolog" kinda mind while reading this...

][It was the sweetest and most unexpected things cause i didn't see this coming at all... i wasn't really looking but it came to me... so fine... i went with the flow la so to say... so everything was ok and went quite well in the first few weeks as we get to know each other... I feel comfortable and quite relax when we spend time together... and i have to say that "missing someone" attacks me when we are apart...

Before anything, my attitude towards this was relatively cool... not obsessive yet maintain a certain interest... In other words, i was not sweep off my feet nor on cloud nine.. i was just... ME... at first it was a really good thing as this is how we should play the dating game but it seems that that was not the case... we were not in the dating game at all... we were already in a relationship after only two weeks of getting to know each other... i was a bit hesitated and taken back as i never expect it to be so soon... so i kept quiet and try to hide it... i thought i will be able to develop "comitted" kinda feelings but as it turns out, it didn't... maybe i was concluding too fast or maybe its just is...

anyway, worriedness begins to crept slowly into my heart and the very idea of hurting and crushing someone's heart and dream is too scary for my brain to even create a thought for... the longer i stay in this, the harder and deeper the hole will be for me to get out... but how can i end such a sweet and wonderful thing?! Do my feelings really matter that much?! How much are at stake right here for not?! Am i really that superficial?!

I'm really scared that guiltiness will starts to fill me when i make any decisions... if i do stay, time will be wasted, wounds might even be worst... if i leave, heart's are broken, i might lose out at destiny... so which should i choose?! To stay or to go?!

No one can answer this for me... Only myself... i've told myself that i would not make this complicating and yet here i am... i will gather my thoughts properly and shall make the best decisions for the both of us... ][

IF you don't understand... its fine... thought i let some of my thoughts out of my already-messy head...